Communication: Lessons in Boundaries from Cats

"The Importance of 'Avoiding Dislike Before Gaining Affection' as Taught by Cats"

■The Similarities Between Cats and Humans

One common difference often highlighted in the communication between cats and humans is whether or not they make eye contact.

Humans tend to make eye contact or gaze at someone they are fond of, whereas for cats, avoiding eye contact can be a sign of affection.

While this is certainly true in some cases, don’t you think it’s not always applicable in every situation?

For example, when a cat wants food or attention, it stares intensely at its owner and meows loudly, almost as if to make its desires unmistakably clear.

In contrast, humans often avert their eyes when their gaze meets someone they like, trying not to reveal their feelings, or they consciously avoid looking at the person altogether. 

Expressions of affection can vary in such ways.

At the office, when someone is being scolded or is feeling down after a failure, we tend not to stare at them.

It seems that rather than focusing solely on being liked, there’s an emphasis on behaving in a way that avoids being disliked.

As for us humans, since we see cats as pets, we might suddenly hug them, rub our faces against them, or pick them up, assuming our displays of affection will make them happy.

But are cats really pleased by this?

When observing communication between cats, it often begins with greetings, such as touching noses or sniffing each other’s rear ends.

The reason they don’t resist their owner may simply be because the owner provides food or is a stronger presence than themselves.

Even without words, it seems cats are unexpectedly strict about manners.

This leads me to think that there might be commonalities between cats and humans in terms of communication.

■Practical Communication Lessons Learned from Animals

In China, there are various styles of martial arts. 

Among them are traditional styles like Kung Fu and Shaolin Kung Fu, as well as more unconventional styles like Drunken Fist and Snake Fist, which gained popularity through Jackie Chan movies.

Many of these martial arts mimic the movements of animals.

Though martial arts were originally used for self-defense, with modern advancements in legal systems and improved public safety, there are now very few opportunities to use them practically.

Nowadays, martial arts seem to be practiced more as sports, exercise, or even as a form of mental discipline.

That said, we still live in a world with its share of dangers, so there remains a demand for self-defense techniques.

However, perhaps it’s more relevant today to learn how to interact with others in everyday life than to focus on martial arts.

There is no shortage of self-help books and courses themed around communication skills.

We might also learn communication skills from animals.

Some self-help books are so aggressive in their approach that they suggest altering one's personality or character entirely, which can make them difficult to implement.

With charm, quick wit, and clever conversational skills, one could weave their way into people’s good graces like a spy, climbing the ladder of success effortlessly.

While such tactics are worth studying in their own time, in this piece, I’d like to focus on the concept of boundaries, as taught by cats—animals that have long coexisted with humans—and consider a more humble approach to communication skills.

■A Meeting with a Tabby Cat

Since I was little, I’ve always lived with cats.

There were always two or three around, and all of them were rescue cats.

At that time, we had two female cats.

The two female cats we had were quite feisty and strongly disliked a gray male cat that lived nearby.

This gray male cat was called Kuma.

Whenever Kuma saw our female cats, he would always chase them back to the house, and sometimes he would sneak in to eat their food.

Because of this, I had the impression that our female cats didn’t get along with cats from other households.

One day, however, a stray cat showed up at our house.

He was a male tabby cat.

Unlike with Kuma, our female cats showed no resistance toward this tabby cat, whom we later named Kain.

In fact, they even brought him into the house.

The story goes like this: our female cats often hung out in a square in front of the house, and on that particular day, Kain was nearby, maintaining a certain distance but staying close to them.

It was as if they were waiting for us to notice Kain. It felt like the female cats were telling us to feed Kain and bring him home.

Kain also kept a good distance from the female cats and responded to us in the softest voice he could manage.

When we reached out to Kain, he approached us and ate the food we gave him.

And so, he was smoothly welcomed into our home.

The difference from Kuma... 😊

■The Traits of an Accepted Cat

What’s remarkable about Kain is:

• Making sure to be within the other’s line of sight.

• Not approaching on his own, but simply being visible.

• Occasionally using a gentle voice to draw a reaction from the other party.

• Waiting until he is accepted.

• Graciously accepting when a hand is extended toward him.

While he was reserved, he made sure not to go unnoticed by us or the female cats.

As suggested by the "mere exposure effect," it’s important to make oneself recognized.

Not imposing oneself and instead waiting for a reaction might be referred to as patience when applied to humans.

Each person has their own lifestyle habits formed over time.

Suddenly introducing something new into their lives can sometimes be labor-intensive.

While it may not lead to frustration, if someone feels something is missing in their life and encounters exactly what they were looking for, they will immediately accept it.

However, neither side will immediately know what that is.

This is why it’s essential to adjust mutual needs and unnecessary elements while observing the other’s reactions.

It’s also crucial to sincerely accept kindness when the conditions align.

Sometimes, past traumas can trigger self-protective tendencies, leading to testing behaviors.

One might draw back slightly or engage in subtle tactics to understand the other person better.

Of course, it’s understandable to suspect that the other person might have ulterior motives or could even be a scammer.

However, if the other person does have hidden motives or is a scammer, they will likely see through your testing behaviors entirely.

They would already have factored those behaviors into their strategy and would present you with conditions that satisfy you to gain your trust.

Although not elaborated here, testing behaviors are not an effective way to identify someone’s hidden intentions.

Instead, they might result in a meeting of two insincere parties.

Addressing ulterior motives and scams with their own appropriate methods, while striving to remain honest oneself, is perhaps more important.

■The Importance of Not Being Greedy for Affection

What is the difference between Kain, the stray cat who was accepted, and Kuma, the cat who was avoided?

The former was a desperate survivor trying to live. The latter was a domestic cat who never had to worry about food.

Despite that, Kuma appeared to put in his own efforts to win over the female cats.

Let me share two of my own experiences that relate to this topic.

Personal Experience 1: At Work

The approach of waiting to be accepted and embracing kindness when offered also proved helpful in my job.

I was hired at a factory through a connection with the president of the company, but there was a strong and influential senior staff member, often referred to as the "queen bee," who had everyone’s support.

I felt a sense of crisis due to the political dynamics in the workplace.

Rumors spread that, because I had been hired through connections, I was receiving preferential treatment or aiming for a managerial position. The "queen bee" and her followers even confronted me in the office and disclosed my salary.

There were many challenges, but overall, I believe I was able to maintain good relationships both at work and in private life.

This was because I had constantly kept Kain’s behavior in mind—thinking about how to blend in, just as he had.

I didn’t curry favor with or bow down to the "queen bee" and her group, but I followed work-related instructions and refrained from acting overly friendly in an unnatural way.

Over time, I began to be invited to karaoke outings, drinking parties, and even to their homes, where I was treated to their homemade dishes.

One of them took pride in their fried chicken, and it was absolutely delicious.

Personal Experience 2: At University

Another example comes from my time at university, which I attended after working as a full-time employee. Because of this, I was older than most of my classmates.

If I had aggressively tried to make friends, I might have been perceived as someone with ulterior motives.

There were many women in the class, but I did not approach them myself. Instead, I responded politely when spoken to and provided only the necessary information to help when someone was in need before withdrawing.

In everyday life, it’s not always essential to be liked. However, being disliked can make things much more difficult.

Moreover, being liked could, under certain circumstances, turn into hate or resentment.

Rather than being overly reserved, it’s better to act modestly.

If you are disliked outright and bullied, it might be worth considering changing jobs or transferring schools.

However, to avoid a situation like a fable where greed leads to losing everything, maintaining the kind of distance exemplified by cats may be vital.